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aries	You are very self-absorbed and only think about yourself. If you are male, you like to believe that you are dashing, dynamic and heroic, but really you are just very disorganized and spend most of your time rushing about generating heat, noise, dust and not much else. If you are a woman you like to think you want a real man, but mainly because in fact you actually believe you are one and are so totally in love with yourself. Additionally, Rams of both sexes make very bad drivers. You think it is a test of your skill, to follow at speed six inches behind the car in front.	You love to love, but mainly you like to argue. Personal indecision means you can’t make up your mind about anything, and while in a social situation you are happy to go with the flow, your main aim is to find a partner and to get them home. There you abuse them mercilessly, in time driving calm people to violence by never agreeing with anything they say, and constantly defending the opposite of whatever their last point was. Eventually desperation forces others to state their case, and you can make up your own mind, while still blaming them for the upset…	libra
march 20 - april 19			september 23 - october 22


taurus	You are lazy, greedy, fat and almost unbelievably unattractive. You like nothing better than sitting on your huge behind, stuffing sweets and cakes non-stop in to the other end of you. For light relief you enjoy counting your cash, but as well as being incredibly materialistic you are also very vain. You don’t think twice about buying a whole new wardrobe, to stop people noticing how much you’ve increased in size. Unfortunately when you lie down you spread out to fill every inch, so if you’re smart, you are always careful to make love in the dark.	You enjoy an intense emotional life, behind what you think is your cool and inscrutable facade. Actually you are just going over the same old things, without ever really moving forward, or getting anything sorted out. Far from looking inscrutable, others think you seem distinctly dubious, plus they have noticed how vengeful you are, how easy it is to upset you and how you always seem to have an issue over something or another. Scorpio is linked with passion and with sex, but real intimacy is nearly impossible, when you’re this screwed up inside.	scorpio
april 20 - may 20			october 23 - november 21


gemini	You spend a lot of time looking in the mirror. In fact you like to look at yourself looking in the mirror, because that’s when your two faces come in really useful. You enjoy telling one person one thing and another something else, while doing something completely different altogether, all at the same time. You pretend to be carefree, but underneath calculate the cost benefit of every association. You are so full of complexes you don’t know who you are, and everybody soon reaches the same conclusion, once they’ve had to put up with you for long.	You are the sultan of spin! Your abilities are limited but you’re extremely vocal about them, and you never waste a chance to try making yourself seem talented or clever. Thus you gain advantage over those with more flair but greater modesty, and suffer for ever with pangs of insecurity, since you know how tenuous and reliant on bluster your grip on your supposed position really is. You are also a hypocrite and don’t practice what you preach. You espouse freedom and equal opportunities, but wouldn’t help anybody you thought was better than you.	sagittarius
may 21 - june 20			november 22 - december 21


cancer	You are charming and persuasive, especially when you want something, or need to make a good impression, and especially with people you don’t know very well. In private you are moody, bad-tempered and often vicious with your family, since inside your home and with those you do know well, you really don’t care what you say. You are cranky, crabby and unapproachable, especially first thing in the morning, when you haven’t eaten, or when you come home from a hard day at the shops. You have a reputation for nurturing, but really just can't let go.	You are naturally cold-hearted so don’t really need to try, but you still always do your best not to let silly feelings or emotions cloud that important issue, money. If something serves no material purpose you eliminate it from your life, so Fido is encouraged to play with the traffic once veterinary bills start to figure and Grandma is off to the old folks home once her will is rewritten in your favour. Friends are superfluous unless they pay you, further your status or give you something free. Obviously you don’t have many, but then again, why would you care?	capricorn
june 21 - july 22			december 22 - january 19


leo	You think you are the best at everything and don’t care who you trample over in your hurry to show-off. You work your way into people’s affections with a display of generosity, affability and bumbling incompetence, and it isn’t until almost too late that others really discover, just how ruthless and naked your ambitions really are. Inside you lack courage and confidence, so choose limited situations to move in on, where you think that you can easily shine. After all, it is better a big fish in a small pond, than alone in the ocean, with your weaknesses exposed.	You are original and unusual, and think that rules are made to be broken and that basically, you can do whatever you want. Providing you weren’t expecting company then you’re probably right, but you’ll find many fading in their commitment once they are living in the fallout of such an elemental force. In truth, you wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour from others, so you can’t really expect them to take it from you, either. If you’re ready to go it alone then fine, but for support or emotional reassurance, it’s very much a case of bring your own.	aquarius
july 23 - august 22			january 20 - february 18


virgo	You like to think you are helpful and performing some kind of service, as you give everyone the benefit of your advice. You can’t understand why everybody thinks that you are moaning, nagging, or sticking your nose in where it isn’t wanted, as you make unwelcome suggestions over all sorts of things you actually know nothing about. Still for many, even your customary complaints are better than getting started on talking about your health. For someone who thinks so much about diet and leading a healthy lifestyle, it is amazing how often you are ill.	Dopey, Bashful and Sleepy weren’t just three of the seven dwarves, they're also good descriptions of your regular mood swings. These are numerous, since as a slippery fish, you regularly change personas to fit present company. At times you are Grumpy, often for no real reason and at other times you're Sneezy, since you are prone to allergies and to a spectrum of psychosomatic complaints. Rarely are you Happy, though people often call you Doc, largely because of the amount of medication that you need, to get you through the day.	pisces
august 23 - september 22			february 19 - march 19

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