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aries	You are very self-absorbed and only think about yourself. If you are male, you like to make believe you are dashing, dynamic, handsome and heroic, but really you are just extremely disorganized and spend most of your time rushing around generating heat, noise, dust and not much else. If you’re a woman you say you want a real man, but only because you reckon you actually are one and remain totally in love with yourself. Additionally, Rams of both sexes make very bad drivers. You think it is a test of your driving skill, following six inches after that vehicle in front.	You love to love, but mainly you like to argue. Personal indecision means you can’t make up your mind about anything, and while in a social situation you are happy going with the flow, your main aim is to find a partner and then to get them home. Once there you abuse them mercilessly, in time driving peaceful people to violence by never agreeing with anything they say, always defending the opposite of what your last point should have been. Eventually others are forced to clarify your angle for you, while you can still finger them for the upset meanwhile…	libra
march 20 - april 19			september 23 - october 22


taurus	You are lazy, greedy, fat, stupid and almost unbelievably unattractive. You enjoy nothing better than sitting on your huge behind, constantly stuffing sweets and cakes into your enormous mouth. For a break you like counting your money, but as well as incredibly materialistic you are also very vain. You don’t think twice about buying a new wardrobe, to stop people noticing how many sizes you’ve grown. Unfortunately when lying down you spread out to occupy any spare inch going, so clearly with this in mind, you must be sure only ever to try making love in the dark.	You enjoy an intense emotional life, behind what you think is your cool and inscrutable facade. But actually you are just going over the same old things, without ever really moving forward, or getting anything sorted out. Far from appearing calm and collected, others sense you seem distinctly dubious, plus they’ve noticed how vengeful you are, how easy it is to upset you and how you always have an issue over something or another. Scorpio links with passion and with sex, but real intimacy looks utterly impossible, when you’re this screwed up inside yourself.	scorpio
april 20 - may 20			october 23 - november 21


gemini	You spend many hours looking in the mirror. In fact you like to look at yourself looking in the mirror, because that’s where your two faces come in really useful. You adore telling one person one thing and another something else, while doing something totally different altogether, all at the same time. You pretend to be carefree, but underneath calculate the cost benefit of every association. You’re so full of complexes you don’t know who you are, while everybody soon reaches the same conclusion, once they have endured your moodiness and unreliability for a time.	You are the sultan of spin! Your abilities are limited but you’re extremely vocal about them and you never waste a chance to make yourself look talented or clever. Thus you gain advantage over those with more flair but greater modesty, and suffer forever after with crippling pangs of insecurity, since you know how tenuous and reliant on bluster your grip on your supposed position really is. You are also a hypocrite and don’t practice what you preach. You claim freedom and equal opportunities, but wouldn’t help anybody you were afraid was any better than you…	sagittarius
may 21 - june 20			november 22 - december 21


cancer	You are charming and persuasive, especially when you want something, or you’re out to make a good impression, and particularly with people you don’t know very well. In private you are moody, bad-tempered and often vicious with your family, since inside your home and round those who know you better, you don’t care whatever you say. You are cranky, crabby and unapproachable, especially first thing in the morning, when you haven’t eaten, or if you’ve just come home from a hard day at the shops. You have a name for nurturing, but really you just can’t let go.	You are naturally cold-hearted so don’t really need to try, but you still always do your best not to let silly feelings or emotions cloud that important issue, money. If something serves no material purpose you eliminate it from your life, so Fido is encouraged to play with the traffic once veterinary bills start to figure and Grandma is away to the old folks home once her will is rewritten in your favour. Friends are superfluous unless they pay you, assist your aims or give you something for free. Obviously you don’t have many of them, but then again, why would you care?	capricorn
june 21 - july 22			december 22 - january 19


leo	You think you are the best at everything and don’t care who you trample as you hurry to show off. You work your way into a place of trust with a mask of generosity, affability and bumbling incompetence, and it isn’t until too late that others find out for themselves, just how ruthless and naked your ambitions really are. Inside you lack courage and confidence, so choose limited situations to move in on, where you believe that you can easily shine. After all, it is better being a big fish in a small pond, than drifting in the ocean, with your vulnerabilities so obvious.	You are original and unusual, believing rules are meant to be broken and that pretty much, you can do whatever you want. Providing you weren’t expecting company then probably you’re right, but you’ll find many fading in their commitment once they are living in the fallout of such an elemental force. In truth, you wouldn’t tolerate this kind of behaviour from anybody else yourself, so can’t expect others to accept it back from you, either. If you’re ready to go it alone then that’s fine, but for emotional support or reassurance, it’ll always be a case of bringing your own.	aquarius
july 23 - august 22			january 20 - february 18


virgo	You like to think you are helpful and performing some kind of service, as you give everyone the benefit of your unwarranted advice. You can’t understand why they say you are moaning, nagging or sticking your nose where it isn’t wanted, as you make unwelcome suggestions on all sorts of things you actually know nothing about. But for many, even your usual round of bitching is better than getting you started talking about your health. For someone who thinks so much about diet and leading a healthy lifestyle, it’s amazing how often you appear still to be sick.	Dopey, Bashful and Sleepy weren’t just three of seven dwarves, they’re also great descriptions of your frequent and ruinous mood swings. These are plentiful, since as a slippery and wet fish, you regularly change your persona to fit in with present company. At times you are Grumpy, often for no real reason and on occasion you’re Sneezy, since you are prone to allergies and to a spectrum of psychosomatic issues and complaints. Rarely are you Happy, though people often call you Doc, largely because of the medication needed to get yourself through any day.	pisces
august 23 - september 22			february 19 - march 19

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